- 15 days left until i am a new york city resident again.

- 10 days left of work with my exit interview scheduled for 6/26/08.

- u-haul booked.

- moving helpers lined up ... at least in philly ... but i'll have jessica the whole time! yay!

- everything's taken care of for my sister's bridal shower and bachelorette party ... at least on my end.

- waiting on school, which i hope to start july 10th, if i ever hear back from the director of admissions.

- have been taking musical trips down memory lane and listening to bands i loved from 10 years ago ... possibly in preparation for my return home?

- will start packing the remaining things in my apartment .... may be tonight? if not, definitely this weekend.

- will continue to try to keep my anxiety in check, although that's a bit of a challenge, and rightfully so.

- will continue to tell myself that everything will be okay.

- will hope to god that by the time i move back, that my brother would have finally cleaned out my soon-to-be-bedroom, which seems to have more stuff in it each time i go there.

- finally got my tax refund check today, so i will do some minor shopping with some of it, since i will be painfully broke fairly soon.

- i cancelled my gym membership today which i technically still have for the next two weeks.

- i have to start changing my address on EVERYTHING, which will likely happen this weekend.

- i will continue to step-out of my comfort zone.

- and i have the bestest date lined up for my sister's wedding!

... AND EXHALE ...

It's funny how just when you think you have things figured out, the universe goes and changes it up on you ... and the result ends up being something that makes you feel more at ease and focused again.

I had my sinus surgery scheduled for this Tuesday but ended up postponing it. My massage therapist talked to me about the success rate of my surgery, for the polyps not returning, and said that it was 50/50. Her concern was that I'd have the surgery, the polyps would come back along with scar tissue, complicating my recovery. This was a very valid point which I did not want to take lightly but at the same time, I had felt as if I had no other options. We talked about a lot of things that night but I brought up 9/11, since it has been a thought of mine a lot lately. I didn't bring it up to discuss politics but more so to bring light to the fact that my office at the time had been about 5 blocks from the WTC site and that I distinctly remember having respiratory problems while sitting at my desk. I had wondered if my sinus trouble started then and that my injury just complicated everything tenfold. She agreed.

The next morning, I get a call from her and she had some interesting news for me. A client of hers does trauma intervention work with people affected by 9/11. They discussed everything and anything about it but also my symptoms. This woman wholeheartedly believes that my immune system is shot because of the massive chemical explosions from that day, being the largest in history, and that I am experiencing high levels of metal toxicity, preventing my body from getting healthy. I ended up calling her and was given a number of resources. Unfortunately, the eligibility for free funding for any treatment (mental health, physical) expired January 2007. The plus side is that there is treatment available ... and the government did a great job at NOT telling people about it. There's this company called Serving Those Who Serve, Inc. who are dedicated to treating this metal toxicity that is being found in rescue-workers and volunteers, as well as residents, at the WTC site. It's Ayurvedic treatment and has been proven to be the ONLY thing that works. It's a detox protocol created specifically for this and it's all natural. I'm currently waiting for my supplements in the mail. The people running this organization have been fantastic and have responded so quickly to my inquiries. I'm considered a resident and have been asked for $30/month ... but even at that, they ask that I pay what I can afford. It's incredibly affordable since the detox is four different supplements. This detox will take 3-6 months. If the polyps are still there, which they could be, then I'll have the surgery but with the increased chance that they won't return. If this isn't the root cause, then at least my system will be clean!

So that's my update but I also wanted to share this information with anyone who needs it or knows someone who does.

Here's the site: http://www.stws.org/

after being completely drained from the 4 previous days, i decided to lay down early last night. i initially feel asleep somewhere around 9-9:30 - i think? i dont even remember. i was in and out of sleep a lot. but i do remember waking up at 11:30pm completely confused and startled. it was then that i remembered this horrendous nightmare that i had just had. it was all too vivid at the time. and of course i dont remember it all now, but i do remember being in a house filled with people i knew but at the same time, i recognized no one. but there was this crazy german guy running around the house, screaming and poking at people with a spike. he was tall, grimy and bulky - kinda like the guy in High Tension. and he was yelling at people to get upstairs. there must have been about 20 or so people in the house. we were all pushed into this one, empty room. some people were stripped of their clothes while other's clothes were just completely torn. i remember me and some guy crawling on our hands and knees to a closet way in the back of the room. we could hear the people screaming and crying because the german guy had started to chop off hands, feet, arms and legs. blood was everywhere. all over the floor and on the walls. and i was crying at the back of the closet, practically in the fetal position. the german guy stopped and then said that he'd be back for more.

what is that all about?!
happy halloween mofos.

i feel an update is in order.

i havent kept in touch with most of you because ive kinda had my head up my ass. im sorry for that but in a sense, i needed and need to be quiet. things have been up and down a lot and my body has been reacting to it all big time - between migraine headaches, aches and pains in my hips, stomach problems and just down right "blahness". life has been happening in ways that i could not have predicted ... and as much as things have sucked as it unfolded, i knew it had to be that way.

despite all of that, im in a pretty good place. my body is proving to get healthier and healthier with each treatment session i have. and my body is feeling stronger than it has in quite some time. i noticed the other day that i could feel my hamstring and it made me smile. i havent felt that in years. physically, im feeling pretty fucking good. so many of the kinks left over from my injury have worked themselves out and there's a sense of relief and hope there.

which brings me to my next update. about a month or so ago, i had received a really intense acupuncture treatment specifically to help release a lot of the problems surrounding my sinuses and whatnot. initially, it was too intense to complete the whole session. well we tried it again yesterday and i responded really well to it. i felt all sorts of movement throughout my head along with enough discomfort that i had to lay there and repeatedly tell myself that it was okay and to just take it all in. she even pressed a point under my collarbone that completely opened up my lungs and i was able to breath in such a way that i wanted to cry. it felt so good to be able to take in such energy. "goodbye asthma! it's been fun but you're time is almost up!" but the most obvious and positive sign was that my jaw was so jittery that i had to consciously open my mouth to keep my teeth from clanging against each other. just a great sign of release. and it went so well that my acupuncturist asked me to come back this thursday and we would try it again but this time, she'd attach clamps to the needles which would send electricity to the needles, intensifying the release. whoa. im so ready to let go of this injury. ive said it before but i can really feel it now. not to mention i also have a myofascial session this week too. so there's a lot of anticipatory anxiety going on and if i could, id completely isolate and prepare myself for it but obviously i cant do that. but im going to continue on the path im on because i know its physically going to be somewhat uncomfortable ... but i know i can handle it ... because i want it.

my life wouldnt be my life if it unfolded any other way than it does.

i believe it was the beginning of the summer when my roomie and i first noticed a little wet spot on our bathroom ceiling. we could hear water running from the apartment above. phone calls were made. the spot got bigger. then came the mold. mind you, i believe the building already has its fair share of water damage because the neighbor on the top floor has told anyone who will listen about it. but here's a picture after they scraped the spot once. so take what you see there and picture it looking a lot worse initially. oh, and notice the paint chipping on the window, which i believe is another sign of mold.


so with each time maintenance "fixed" the leak, we had to wait for things to "dry out" before they could come back and repaint. yep, thats their solution - fix the leak and repaint. the biggest problem about this is that you cant get rid of mold simply by painting over it. fast forward a few months to sunday. i heard water running again. and the picture above is what it looked like plus a water drip. mold city. maintenance gets called on monday and they say theyll have someone over on wednesday. thank you for making leaking, running water a priority! wednesday comes and we're left with a note that says that maintenance has been called off site and will be back tomorrow. you're fantastic! all the while, water keeps running above and slowly drips above our toilet. fun times. i came home yesterday only to see that they had stopped by and created some, what im assuming is temporary, solution to the problem. they screwed a large plastic sheet of something into the ceiling.


is the water still running? yep. is the ceiling still leaking? yep. wtf? needless to say, neither myself nor my roommate are happy. so my roomie bought mold testing kits. and these tests are just testing the air.



so right now, the roomie is pretty motivated at ripping these people new assholes in the most legal way possible. she's been on the phone pretty consistently talking to all sorts of people. if i didnt take the water damage into consideration, the mold problem alone is highly toxic and a health hazard. my asthma is LOVING this. so it looks like i may be looking for a new apartment in the relatively near future. but we'll see how this goes. so far the lady we deal with is fighting with us over this. my roomie even went so far as to invite her into the apartment so she could see it all for herself. i dont think she's going to take us up on that offer.

the good news is that if we do get out of our lease, i'd be able to live by myself again. the bad news is that i'll be broke all over again. yay!

im not even going to get into my personal life and to why that alone makes me want to stay in bed, but i will say this, i had a taste of my first bout of jealousy yesterday ... and i didnt like it. i can't even remember the last time i felt that way. im not a typically jealous person. envious, may be, but not jealous. anywho, i was feeling down and tired so i went to bed real early last night. i woke up around 11pm and stayed up for a bit before returning to bed. needless to say, my racing thoughts did not allow me a good night's sleep. i woke up feeling beat. i barely got up and out of bed. i showered and realized that i didnt have anything made for lunch. i could buy lunch but im trying to avoid that seeing as how i have a lot of food in my kitchen. so i quickly start cooking while im getting ready. as i get my stuff together to leave, i notice that the cats had had some fun in the middle of the night with some poor roach and they were nice enough to leave it on the rug inbetween the bedroom doors. i dont know how i hadnt noticed this earlier but there i was, running late, and trying to dispose of this ... creature. i dont like them. i make my way out the door and i start to cross the grass to where my bike is and my left foot slides. i immediately know what this is and im not happy. i don't have time for this. i had sneakers on ... my adidas shelltops. do you know how hard it is to get dog poop out of these fuckers? ugh. i try as best i can to clean my sneaker on the grass, concrete, whatever was around me. that shit is embedded in there. so i grunt and quickly get on my bike, because again, im running late. i make my way onto spring garden and find that im getting whistled at by some douchebag in a pick up truck. some girls like that stuff. i dont. not at 8:30am, not at 5pm, not at 8:30pm. and i especially dont like it when im not in a good mood to begin with. i give them my imaginary middle finger and go about my business. im pretty sure that i hit every red light. seeing as how i am not a ballsy biker, i tend not to run red lights unless the coast is clear. so i get to work, make my way to the third floor and realize that i now have to clean off my sneakers so i dont stink up the office. granted, i wear shoes when im here but its not like there's any place for me stash my sneakers for the time being. so i find a pencil and hold my sneaker over a paper towel as i fish out the dog poo. i get most of it out and then fold up the paper towel and bring it all with me to the ladies' room. i take the pencil and wrap it in a wet paper towel and continue cleaning. im a lil neurotic about getting it all out because, well, it's gross. but in comes this older, nice lady who leans over and around to see what im doing and she goes, "dog shit, huh? you need yourself an old toothbrush." i go, "yeah, it sucks and this is all i have". she goes into the stall and tends to her business and another younger lady comes out of another stall and says "that's not a good way to start the day". i politely smile and say, "yeah tell me about it". she replies with, "at least it's friday" and i agreed and said that i was certainly happy that it wasnt monday. we talked briefly and then she left. the older lady comes out of her stall and says, "you know what you need?" she reaches into the garbage (yeah without hesitation) and pulls out a toilet paper roll. she starts to pull it apart and then shows me how to dig the rest of the poop out. she says, "im an old timer. i know how to do these things. run it under some water too. that will get the rest out." i smiled and was glad for her help. her idea was definitely better than mine seeing as how i had already broken the top of my pencil. i ran my sneaker under water a few times and it looked pretty good. i walked back into the office and my coworkers were all pretty much there looking at me wondering why i was holding a single sneaker. i told them what happened and they got a chuckle out of my story. my one coworker pointed out that i was lucky that i didnt fall on the dog poop. i agreed. i was happy i didnt too because i have on skinny pants today and there would not have been much "give" while on my way down to do a split.

and that's how ive started the first 2 hours of my day. it's not a good indictator for how the rest of the day may potentially go but let's hope that it doesnt follow along the same path. if it does, i may hibernate my whole weekend away since i have the apartment to myself this weekend.

*crosses fingers*

so as some of you know, i had been planning on taking my licensing exam for shiatsu by the end of the month. i've now decided not to after a number of attempts at sitting down and trying to study. i have found two problems - 1) i get really tired and end up falling asleep and 2) i'm noticing that i'm trying to teach myself stuff that my teacher didn't spend a lot of time on (probably because she didn't know it) when i should just be reviewing it. i noticed that it was becoming overwhelming and that this was pretty much why. i really had to sit down and think it through because it's not a cheap test to take AT ALL. the huge downside is that the test is only once a year. the plus side is that i don't need it to practice right now. sure it'd feel really great to have it and actually feel like i accomplished something but it will have to wait. so in the meantime, i'll take bits and pieces and read this stuff over and learn it at a reasonable pace and be better prepared for next year. it's kind of disappointing but things could be worse, no?

so who wants to help me build my stamina AND help me earn a lil extra money on the side to save for this test?

Does anyone (Des) know a trustworthy way to track down IP addresses?

I got home after therapy on Wednesday and quickly changed into my comfy clothes and was ready to become a zombie for the rest of the night until I got an IM from Dan. It was just a regular "how was your day?" kind of IM but as things progressed; he sensed that I was sad about something in the conversation, at which point he invited me out for hot chocolate. He had just spent the previous 24 hours in NY with a friend seeing a play and staying in a room that was suppose to be for us. He said that seeing me would be a great way to end the day. We ended up going out for dinner at a cute little restaurant on South Street. I was nervous but accepted because I couldn’t ignore this pull that I was feeling. I met him there and I had that warm feeling fill up inside when I saw him sitting at the table. That feeling got stronger when he hugged me 'hello' and asked how I was doing. It was really nice to see him and it was really nice to be held. Comforting. We talked about this and that ... and the conversation was easy and smooth. I had noticed a few things about him: 1) he seemed so much more at ease, 2) appeared more self-confident, 3) was able to look me in the eyes, 4) was able to easily verbalize that he thinks about me and that he missed me, but most importantly 5) he invited me out because he didn't want me to feel sad. I was at a loss for words but I was so happy that I decided to go. It was very evident that he's been doing a lot of work on himself. It was at that time that I was grateful for the pain we have both been feeling because as long as we have been brought to this point to have that experience, it has all been worth it. That point where we're remembering/seeing all that we were attracted to when we first met. It validated were my heart is and where my heart wants to be.
When the time came to end the evening, I offered to drive him home. It was painfully cold outside and it was the least I could do seeing as how he walked there. We sat in my car for at least 20 minutes trying to figure out how to end the night. What’s an appropriate ‘goodnight’? We knew that we wanted to kiss but were both afraid to do so knowing that we would be opening that door for things to slip right back into what it use to be. That was hard. We could have acted on what our hearts wanted or we could have used logic and went with what our brains were telling us. At that point, I just decided to call Jessica for her input. She agreed with our decision, which was just a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Dan then said the sweetest thing, which was, “a kiss is a nice incentive to keep working on myself to become a better person.”
It’s all still a work in progress but at least it’s progress and not regression. I still have a lot of focus on my health and making sure that continues to be a priority. After all, how can I give to others unless I learn how to give to myself? I cannot allow myself to become so depleted again. It’s a horrible feeling to have when you feel like you’re walking on eggshells around yourself. I’m making changes and I’m learning a lot at the same time. I wish I could see how the future will unfold and when certain things will happen, but for now, I will hold onto that feeling that I had Wednesday night and hold onto the hope that the future will be as I see it. And that much I will keep to myself. =)

The day is almost here. 13.5 hours to be exact. I've never had so much anticipation for a tattoo. Nor have I ever been so nervous to get one. I'm worried about the pain. I hope it doesn't hurt nearly as much as I'm thinking it might. I'll keep my fingers crossed!

But for now, I'm gonna go relax. That's a word I have yet to figure out.

"RELAX"

I'm doing the best I can right now, given the circumstances. It's kinda hard to make sense out of it all at times. It's hard to find a balance between both the physical and emotional stress. I need more rest. Dealing with emotional stress alone is wearing, but then to combine it with physical stress and discomfort is a challenge. What's upsetting is my realizing how burnt out I truely am. My sleep has been decent yet I look like I haven't slept for days. I start the day off "ok" but then I slowly start to feel depleted around late afternoon/early evening.

I know that it will pass ... I just have to figure out how to get there.